Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Triggers

There was something about the way the sun hit the bushes and the reflection off the bird bath that sent me instantly back to my childhood. I was standing in the lobby of my dentist today, looking out the window, and I thought I was a kid again, on a May afternoon at my Grandma's apartment in Napa.

I can't exactly tell why I thought of that random memory at that particular time with the glint of sunlight reflecting the way it did. But there I thought of my Grandma Lyn and the memories of being in her tiny apartment and enjoying the big pool that was out in front of all these bushes.

My former acting skills often come into play in my daily existence. Sense recall is something that actors are trained to do. Certain smells and sites trigger back memories that help one take the role of a character deeper, making it more real. I can become happy or sad pretty quickly. Some may think its mood swings. I tend to think its good theatre.

Maybe it was the location, the place of fear. Who doesn't really despise the dentist office? Maybe it was my mood. Maybe it was the fact that I am, obviously, not a little kid any more. Yearning for easier days often comes my way at times and going back to the thoughts of just swimming and fishing in the creeks nearby my childhood home make life bearable.

Memory making happens when you least expect. I rarely get up in the morning and set out to intentionally make a memory this day, for myself or someone else. Perhaps I should be a bit more intentional about that but I perfer to keep it this way for now.

Time does slip quickly. I am looking back more as I get closer to my June 13 anniversary in my ministry of 25 years remaining steady at this. Recent years have found me questioning my call, doubting the people who are supposed to be giving me direction and leadership and wondering where God is in the midst.

But there are those moments. Those flashes out of no where that remind I am truly in His hands. I have those feelings that someone somewhere is still praying for me.

When I was 18 my Grandma Lyn gave me a suitcase for my birthday and told me she thought I would be someone who would end up traveling many places. I tried hard to get my Grandma to come see me in some of those places I have been, to create new memories. But she never ventured much further than the city limits, for reasons unknown to me.

I laid her to rest in the spring a decade ago. She loved God in her own way, had her faith but never attended church. She was content to watch it at home on the television. She had her own strong opinions about this and that. But she was my grandma and I loved her and I think of her at times when I can think of nothing else. Perhaps she is praying for me still. Along with my Aunt Mary who is enjoying those rolling green hills of glory, as she told me what her vision of heaven would be.

Whatever the case, in a split second I was transplanted back in a time of my life that will never come again.

This time will never come again. What am I doing to make sure its a positive one?

What are you doing to make its a memorable one as well?

cheers.

TF

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